Can we go out for dinner? Let’s meet for lunch. Can we meet at the park for a play date? Let’s take the kids to the museum. Want to meet at the beach? What do all these things have in common? They are things peers my age say to one another. Socialization changes as we age. In our high school and college years, kids pretty much live life around their social calendars. Meeting up with friends is top priority when people are in their teens and early twenties. After college, people often start their careers and find their significant others. During that stage of life, people still socialize with friends, but it’s often as couples. After a couple years, it turns into families meeting up to do something with the kids. Occasionally, parents have “date nights” with other couples, but, for the most part, socialization for people my age usually revolves around couples events or families getting together. What happens when you don’t have a significant other and kids, but, yet, want and need to socialize with friends? People with disabilities often struggle with this. Not only do many of us have physical barriers such as transportation and needing caregivers to assist us, to deal with, we often face psychological issues. When you don’t have a significant other or a family of your own combined with having physical barriers, it’s challenging to find opportunities to socialize. You often have to be the one to initiate and plan the gathering.

When I started college at UW-Whitewater, I wasn’t even thinking about how I’d make friends or socialize because I had so many other logistical things (cares, classes, accommodations, etc…) to worry about. As I’ve discussed in previous entries, I made friends in college just by hanging out with people. Back then, I had five care shifts a day, so I potentially hung out with five different college students a day. While we probably were supposed to, I developed friendships with most of them, and they introduced me to their friends. Before I knew it, by the second or third week of my first year of college, I had a bunch of new friends and was rarely in my room on weekends because I was hanging out with people. I didn’t realize it back then, but, looking back, it was really neat because I wasn’t the one initiating it most of the time. People asked me to do things.  To be honest, a lot of the time, my care shifts wouldn’t be at the scheduled times because we’d just be hanging out and my friends would just help me whenever I needed it. Obviously, I tried to be cognizant of their time and I tried not to “use” them, but it wasn’t a big deal to them if I needed something outside of my normal shift time. Because of this, I truly felt like a “normal” college kid because I was with my friends all the time. I socialized just like everyone else did—I was extremely lucky to have amazing friends!

It wasn’t until after I graduated from college that I realized just how difficult socializing as an adult was going to be.  There are several different factors that contribute to this. The biggest factor probably being that people are busy. After college, most people start their “real” lives. Most of my friends started their careers, found their significant others, and started families. This is the normal progression of life. Do I still see them and talk with them? Of course I do, but it’s not on a regular basis. Understandably and rightly so, their priorities have changed.

Another big factor is that I lead a totally different life than most of my closest friends. While they’re worrying about their kid’s next t-ball game or gymnastics practice, I’m worrying about if my care shifts are covered for the next day. I don’t use this example to provoke pity or anything: rather, it just shows how different our lives have become. Getting together is just different now than it was when we were younger. Instead of meeting for dinner and drinks at a sports bar, we meet at a park or zoo, so the kids can play.

Transportation and my care schedule also play a big role in my ability to socialize. None of my close friends live in Oshkosh, so either they have to come up here or I have to find a way to get to Fondy or Milwaukee where they live. This often presents quite a challenge because understandably my friends aren’t able to make the trip very often, and it’s difficult for me to find a ride out of town.  I have to coordinate caregivers as well. While most of my friends have helped me out with many of my personal cares in the past, I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to have them help me when we’re just hanging out—especially now that they have kids. When we get together, I have to make sure that I have a decent caregiver with me who not only will be able to physically, but also will be able to assist me with keeping the conversation going. Don’t get me wrong, my friends know how to communicate with me, but sometimes it’s nice to have a person with me who knows me so well that she can help fill in the gaps rather than waiting for me to type it out. Needing a caregiver with me really limits my availability for hang out with friends currently.

Having said all that, in late June, my counselor challenged me to get together with friends a couple of times in July. Due to some different circumstances going on, she knows that I can’t travel to see friends like I often do in summer. This meant I’d have to ask people to come to Oshkosh. As I’ve said in previous entries, I’m very uncomfortable doing this because I hate obligating people. I feel bad that I can’t just meet my friends wherever whenever. In order for me to participate in a get together with friends, I have to plan it weeks in advance so that I have all of my ducks in a row, so to speak. It’s challenging, but know what? I did it. Thanks to my amazing friends, I have four separate get-togethers planned this month! I’m so excited! Did I overdo it? Perhaps, but I’m so looking forward to seeing so many friends.

Socialization is a crucial part of life for everyone. There are many different barriers that can make it hard; however, as long as you have great friends like I do, no amount of roadblocks will ever prevent you from seeing your closet friends!

***The views expressed here are strictly those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of InControl Wisconsin, the Network or any of our sponsors.