Can you present to this group? Could you write an article about it? Would you be able to attend this meeting? Could you speak to that group? Are you available to do this? Could you do that? Questions such as these consume our daily lives. Being asked to do certain things and asking others to do things is part of life. Like it or not, humans depend on one another to live. People have a choice whether or not to oblige to the task that they are being asked to do. Depending on the situation, individuals often perform the duty that they’re being asked out of respect for the person who is asking. It may be an employer asking an employee to a task, a family member asking you to do something, or a friend asking you for a favor. Whatever the case may be, you have a choice whether or not to do it. Sometimes, people have a hard time saying no when others ask them to do something. Most of the time, people enjoy helping others and being valued, so turning down an opportunity can be difficult. People who have different abilities are no different—we have a hard time turning down opportunities just like everyone else. The truth is that people who have some limitations probably have a more difficult time saying no to things than the average person because often we can’t do a lot of things due to our circumstances; so, when we’re asked to do something that we’re able to do, we feel immense pressure to say yes.

“I’m going to try to be very intentional about what I say yes to this year,” I said to my mom one night recently. She rolled her eyes and laughed because she knows how hard it is for me to turn down an opportunity. In past journal entries, I’ve written about the importance of feeling valued. Especially when you have some unique challenges, being and feeling valued is a detrimental part of life. However, it’s also equally important to realize when you’re spreading yourself too thin. I also wrote entries about this in years past—often, I say yes to too many things which puts a lot of stress on my body. It’s a fact that everything takes me a lot longer to do things than the average person. Years ago, I read that people who have cerebral palsy exert three times the amount of energy than the average person does.

During a session a few weeks ago, I was telling my counselor about how frustrating it was to be gone from work for so long over the holidays. I explained the situation to her. She then asked me a very good question: why do you hate missing out on work and advocacy so much? I told her it had nothing to do with the financial aspect of it. As we talked more, she figured out that work and advocacy are the things that make me feel valued most. In other words, I often feel useless when I’m not doing some sort of work or partaking in an advocacy activity. Obviously, learning this opened up a whole other thing to work on in counseling, but, in the weeks since, I’ve been really trying not to keep myself busy with work or advocacy projects all the time. I didn’t realize how much I relied on those things to keep me busy.

As I get older, I’m slowly realizing that there’s more to life than always trying to prove that you’re successful. As a person with a significant disability, that’s kind of a tough thing to grasp. I’m always trying to prove that I’m a contributing member of society and my main way of doing that is to engage in as many advocacy activities as possible. However, with some help, I’m realizing that I have other things that people value me for. I’m also learning that it’s okay to take some time to do nothing.

I’ve already turned down two advocacy opportunities this year. They were events that would have taken me hours to prepare for and I honestly didn’t have much interest in either of them. Will I agree to do various advocacy things? Absolutely. I love advocating and helping people. I just have to be selective about what and how much I agree to do. I’m going to try my best to be cognizant of how much I put on my plate. It’s not worth the stress and repercussions it causes.

For some people, turning down opportunities or saying no to things is really hard to do, but life is too short to overwork and stress yourself out. It’s just not worth it!

***The views expressed here are strictly those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of InControl Wisconsin, the Network or any of our sponsors.